this conversation is dead on arrival
by amoenavi
Summary: There's the boy that she lost and the boy that she should have let go and it's too much and she can't do this. / Puck and Rachel: breaking apart and breaking each other.


Prompt: Glee - Puck/Rachel - _Leave me alone (I'm lonely)_

-x-

There's the boy that she lost and the boy that she should have let go and it's too much and she can't _do_ this.

-x-

She still wears the Finn necklace.

She just puts it on for hours, looks in the mirror and sees someone who has a boyfriend. Someone who's loved.

On some days, she pretends she didn't kiss Puck. On others, she pretends Puck kissed her and she stopped it.

(And at night sometimes, she pretends that she did sleep with Puck. She pretends that they share that now, the responsibility, the guilt. Because apparently kissing him wasn't enough to make him share the blame.)

-x-

Rachel ends up sleeping with Finn.

It wasn't her plan - not at all, actually, she was just bringing over her sixth batch of "I'm Sorry" sugar cookies - but one moment Carol Hudson is telling her to go up to his room, he's playing Call of World Warcraft or something and she does and she apologizes and he looks like he's been crying so she asks why and he says it's been a year since Babygate and then they're both crying and she's apologizing again and then he's kissing her and his bed is _right there_ and he somehow has a condom and the implications of that make her sick and all Rachel can think is _You need to keep him this time, do it_ and then they're -

It hurts.

Despite reading all the teen romance novels she could get her hands on as a child (she's very up to date on the Young Adult novel trends just in case she were ever asked to audition for a movie adaptation of one) and watching One Tree Hill and The OC and Gilmore Girls, she's still not quite prepared for the sharp pain. It's almost like a papercut inside her but she can't put a bandaid on it and she can't ignore it.

And now he's moving slowly, awkwardly, and all she wants to do is tell him to stop because this isn't at all what it feels like when she does it and ow, ow, it _hurts_ and she wonders if she's supposed to be moving her hips to some sort of rhythm and if so, isn't he supposed to be moving at a rhythm? and Santana must be so much better at this and will this ever end because this isn't fun at all and she can't even remember why she thought it would be and _ouch_, why isn't he asking her if she's okay, aren't the boys supposed to do that? Does he just not care?

And then it's over. He rolls off of her. Virginity gone. End scene. There's a strange sound and then the sound of something hitting the trashbin and then Finn's pulling her closer. He's sweaty. Sticky. She feels kind of sick.

"I love you, Rachel," he murmurs into the crown of her head, dropping a kiss there. "I love you."

"I love you too," she replies. Her bra is still on. That strikes her as odd for some reason.

"Let's never break up again." He hums contentedly. It rumbles into her ear. "You and me."

"Finn," she says. He turns his head to look at her. "Can I please have a glass of water?" She swallows, throat dry suddenly. "I'm very thirsty."

-x-

They're back together. The golden couple of McKinley High School's glee club.

She's really happy.

Really.

-x-

It's just -

She always reaches her goals. And she has. She got Finn back. She lost her virginity to Finn and it was special.

She's going to sing a solo at Regionals. They will win this time.

She's on the Honor Roll.

She lost five pounds.

Quinn doesn't hate her as much anymore. Puck doesn't shoot her apologetic looks anymore. Even Santana seems to be hands off for the moment.

Perfect. It's all... perfect.

-x-

She feels out of step with reality.

It's almost like -

No. That's silly.

-x-

Two months more and she's only singing duets.

It's not that she's not still in the spotlight, it's that she's in it with Finn. And when she's not in it with Finn, she's singing about Finn. To Finn. For Finn.

She doesn't really sing those show-stopping numbers alone anymore. She's now more of a Cosette than an Eponine.

(She sings On My Own in the shower. It sounds fake even to her own ears. Forced. The emotion isn't there anymore.)

-x-

She has a panic attack. It's 1:30 am on a school night and she can't think of anything other than the fact that Finn hasn't called her yet to wish her goodnight and she can't remember the last time she called _him_ because she doesn't want to be too clingy. And she has a test at eight but she can't go to sleep until he calls her because what if he calls her while her phone is off and then he gets mad and she loses him. She can't go back to being boyfriendless Rachel. She doesn't know how to be that person. In, out, in, out, oh God, oh God.

She presses and holds four, bringing up her speed-dial. She tries to remember what she was thinking when she put Puck in as that. Were they dating? Were they trying to be friends? Was it desperation or misguided optimism?

He answers, voice gruff. "What."

She's somehow not surprised.

"Do you know where Finn is?" comes out. It's high-pitched. Nervous.

"What," he repeats. "Why the fuck would I know where Finn is?"

She shrugs, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. Funny, she never used to twirl her hair. "You're his best friend... I just thought... he didn't call."

Puck sighs angrily into the phone. "You're crazy. You're calling me at 2:00 am because the Jolly Green Giant forgot to call you?" It does sound kind of ridiculous. "You're a fucking psycho, Berry."

He's right. She's just a psycho girlfriend. Just a girlfriend. The Finn necklace suddenly feels like it's burning her flesh, branding her. Finn didn't call her. Finn isn't branded. Finn is still Finn before the breakup, after the breakup, before the breakup again. She is what Finn is. But Finn didn't call.

"Would you miss me?" slips out during her musing. It's not important. It's very important. She doesn't know where that came from. She doesn't know if she wants to hear a yes or a no.

"What?" he says again. His tone has changed. It's serious, slushy being washed out of his hair serious. She's scared suddenly that she's crossed a line.

"Nothing, never mind. Just a question. Nothing. Good night, Noah."

She curls up in a ball on her bed, turns off her phone and tries not to think about the implications of her question.

-x-

She wakes up to four missed calls from Noah. Two texts.

_wht the fuck did you mean_

_fuckin answer_

She deletes both of them. Sends one back. (_Leave me alone._)

Finn meets her at her locker the next morning. Doesn't mention why he didn't call.

She bombs her test.

-x-

Glee club and Mercedes gets yet another solo.

Rachel doesn't even bother fighting her for it. She's sure a duet will be on the list for her and Finn.

"Why doesn't Rachel sing that?"

It comes from the mouth of a boy with a mohawk. A boy who used to hate her. A boy who shouldn't care.

Mr. Schue looks perplexedly at Noah, sitting in the back row casually as though he hadn't said anything. "Sorry, Puck?"

"Rachel should sing it," he repeats, shifting slightly. "We all know she's the best - why isn't she singing this solo?"

"Well... that's fine. Yes, Rachel, why don't you sing it?"

She allows herself a small smile.

-x-

They're coming out of the restaurant when she hears the argument.

Shelby. Her mother. And Beth. Noah's daughter. And Noah.

"Just a night with her, that's all. _Please_, she's my baby. Just one night with me won't screw her up."

She can't hear Shelby's response but then she's leaving and he looks so distressed, so broken. She begins to move toward him, remembers missed calls and worried glances and him sticking up to Mr. Schue for her.

Finn's hand on her back feels binding. Like a leash. _Don't go over there,_ it says.

Noah sees her, shoots her a look of pleading. She stays rooted to the spot. Finn has to practically drag her away.

She gets a text later.

_no i wldnt_

She cries.

-x-

There's the boy that she lost and the boy that she should have let go and it's too much and she can't _do_ this.

(She doesn't know which boy is which anymore.)

-x-


End file.
